Family

We're creeping up on our 2 year anniversary. It seems like we've been together for years...I remember that day, it was one of the best memories I will have. It's a day I started my new life with my husband and became part of his family, but it was also a day I "lost" my family.

To this day, I don't know what transpired, and after 2 years, I am long over it, moved on, from whatever I must have done, obviously it will always be 'our' fault...but that's really not a surprise to me... I learned a long time ago that I was never the little girl they wanted me to be....I thought too much for myself.

I have never really talked publicly about this, as it's really no one's business, but it helps me to write about it...how much, even now, though I am actually resolved and okay with the way it went down, that it hurt a lot. I don't know why. Obviously they didn't give a rat's ass about me, or my new husband, but it really hurt me. It hurt my feelings and my pride; it was embarrassing to me, especially in front of my new family.

I know the Christian thing is to forgive and turn the other cheek. I have forgiven them. But more importantly, I have forgiven myself for whatever I must have done that was such a tragedy that day. I don't know if they will ever understand that talking about it to the people who were actually involved is usually the best way to handle a conflict, but they're too selfish for that; to selfish to admit wrong.

I don't know why they left, and it would be nice to know, but honesty, after 2 years, I have [unfortunately] resolved myself to knowing that when I see them next- if I ever see them again- it probably won't be at a celebratory event. They don't want us at those anymore. I mean, it would just reopen a wound that is healed.

I am not saying I am a saint in all of this. I have no problem admitting if I did something rude or offensive, and I definitely have no problem apologizing for that. No one likes to be wrong or to apologize, but I have learned in my short life, it's not only humbling, it's empowering; it's freedom. It would lift a weight----and it would be complete closure--for me. I am not looking at a friendship, but rather closure......it's not like involvement in each others lives is a reality or even a desire, but an apology is.

I guess I would just like a "fair" shake at this whole thing. I mean, when you hear they're talking about it, a year later to other extended family, that they're talking s*** about you, even if you know it not a shock, it's still rude and hurtful. It gets to you. I guess if they really wanted to move on, they would talk directly to the people that were involved, not spread rumors to those who don't need anymore gossip in their lives. But, talking to me, to us, would constitute admitting some form of 'repentance' or 'wrongdoing'....and in all my time of knowing them, I don't think I have ever seen humility or repentance.

I think it would show true, pure, and honest unconditional love...but honestly, and I have felt this for many years, but I don't think unconditional love was ever anything but conditional for them. It's how I have felt for years, and only now I have I said it verbally (well written it). There was always a price for their love. It always came at a cost.....and this time, BAM- the cost was whatever relationship we had... It's called "consequences for your actions", and it's not like I want to be a bitch about it. I don't.

But I can't let toxic people in my life, family or not; especially when they walk out of the most important day of a person's life. They walked out, and I hope they have looked back and thought about how they could have handled it differently. I know, if I knew what I did, that I would do the same, and hopefully try to mend that wrongdoing.

Well, it was my family. I think, in a way, God is using this as a test in my life..I do not know what will happen, what the ending will be, if it isn't already ended, but it will be a lesson, I am sure. It's like I lost part of my family, but I got a new family; a family who loves me unconditionally. A family who doesn't hold things over my head...a family that WANTS to know me, the real me, and not ostracize me for it.